Several chill pills later and after yesterday's little rant I'm ready to lighten the mood a little with a preview of the forthcoming Ashes. Or, more specifically, a preview of the sledging fest we can look forward to once the teams take to the pitch Down Under. :-)
Sledging is the not so noble cricket art of insulting the opposition in a bid to destroy their confidence and self esteem. The Aussies are past-masters, and the acknowledged King of the Sledgers is former fast bowler Merv Hughes. Though for someone who managed to sink 58 tinnies on a flight from Australia to England in 1989 his mastery should perhaps shock noone. Even if his moustache still does.
So as it's now a week to go till the Ashes start, and I didn't get round to trading today, I've dug out an old article about sledging and have pulled together a collection of the best sledges from former Ashes series...
Player to Player
"If we don't beat you we'll knock your bloody heads off."
- Short and to the point. Bill Voce to Aussie Vic Richardson in the 1932 Bodyline series.
"Hospital food suit you?"
- Craig McDermott makes a friendly enquiry of Phil Tufnell, 1991.
"Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side."
- A helpful Merv Hughes to Robin Smith, 1989.
"So how's your wife and my kids?"
- Rodney Marsh welcoming Ian Botham to the crease.
"What do you think this is, a f***ing tea party? No you can't have a f***ing glass of water, you can f***ing wait like the rest of us"
- Aussie captain Allan Border to batsman Robin Smith who had the outrageous nerve to ask for a drink at Trentbridge, 1989.
"Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps"
- Dennis Lillee to the portly Mike Gatting, 1994.
"What does your husband do when he is not watching you play cricket?"
- Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick, 1993. Hick was out next ball after facing a barrage of bouncers.
"F**k me. What are you doing here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."
- Welcome to the game! Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond on the latter's Ashes debut, 2001.
"At least I'm the best player in my family."
- Ormond's reply!
"Who's this then? Father bloody Christmas?"
- Jeff Thomson to David Steele as he walked out to bat on debut, 1975.
"Who's this four-eyed git? Knock his glasses off."
- Aussie fielder to the bespactled Geoff Boycott on his test debut, 1964.
"You can't f*cking bat"
- Merv Hughes to Robin Smith, after Smith played and missed again, 1989.
"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat and you can't f*cking bowl".
- Smith's reply after despatching a ball to the boundary.
"He snarled at me constantly through his ludicrous moustache. He was all bristle and bullshit and I couldn't make out what he was saying except that every sledge ended with 'arsewipe'."
-Former England captial Mike Atherton recalls playing with Merv Hughes.
"A six-foot, blond-haired beach bum bowling at 90mph trying to knock your head off and then telling you you're a feeble-minded tosser... where's the problem?"
- Atherton tones it down to explain what it's like to face a barrage of bouncers and abuse from Aussie pace man Glenn McGrath, 2001.
"I think I was saying 3-0 or 4-0 about 12 months ago, thinking there might be a bit of rain around. But with the weather as it is at the moment, I have to say 5-0."
- Glenn Mcgrath looking forward to the 2005 Ashes series. After filling up on humble pie he's repeated the prediction for the 2006/7 series.
Crowd to players
Not content with watching the action it seems some spectators like to get stuck into the sledging too:
"Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot."
- Aussie to Phil Tufnell during the 1994/5 Ashes series.
"Don't give the bastard a drink. Let him die of thirst."
- Douglas Jardine recalls his favourite spectator intervention from the 1932/3 Bodyline series.
" A cricket tour in Australia would be the most delightful period in your life ... if you were deaf."
- England bodyline bowler Harold Larwood hints he may be taking some spectator abuse!
"Come on Brearley, for God's sake! You make Denness look like Don Bradman."
-Aussie spectator letting Mike Brearley know what he thinks of his batting in the 78/79 Ashes series.
"We will win... because Shane Warne's too fat; Mark Waugh's too old..."
- England fan on trailer for Channel 4's coverage of the 2001 Ashes tour.
The Media
Never shy to put the boot in hacks don't hesitate to get in on the action too:
"All the never-say-die qualities of a kamikaze pilot."
- An Aussie journalist gives his considered opinion of English cricket in the 1990's.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if Thomson don't get ya, Lillee must."
Sydney Telegraph cartoon, 1975
"The Australian side has more carthorses than a Victorian mailcoach."
- Peter Roebuck, 2005
"The traditional dress of the Australian cricketer is the green cap on the head and the chip on the shoulder."
- Simon Barnes, 1990.
So there you have it. A list of the best sledges from bygone Ashes series. With no doubt a few more to be added over the winter from some friendly on pitch banter.
And if I may be permitted to enter into the spirit... Well, we all remember what Australia rhymes with don't we?! ;-)
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2 comments:
I like a bit of sledging. My favourite one was by Eddo Brandes of Zimbabwe & Glenn Mcgrath. Brandes was a "fairly large gentleman" and he played and missed to Mcgrath a lot so Mcgrath says "Eddo, why are you so fat?" and Eddo replies "Because everytime I shag your missus, she gives me a biscuit"
So what are your plans for the Ashes, will you be up all night trading?
Hi,
Yes, that's a good one. I pulled together loads for an article I wrote years ago. Unfortunately although many of the best involve the Aussies not many were Ashes ones so I left them out of the list. Still made me smile digging them all out though.
As for trading the Ashes I'm probably going to most if not all the tests a miss, bar maybe a quick play on the draw. Just too much to stay up all night when it's only a hobby. And there's some other cricket on too. If there's a close final day etc I'll probably do it, and expect to do the ODIs in the new year too.
Best of luck if you manage to stay up for the games.
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